Why We Shouldn't Resist The Habit We Are Trying To Break
We’ve all grappled with habits we aren’t proud of. Whether it is something as simple as biting your nails, zoning out to a show while you eat too much, or automatically opening Instagram or Snapchat when we pick up our phones, sometimes these habits can briefly stare us in the face and get our attention when we are suddenly aware of the negative consequences. However, most of the time, they go on largely in the background, with our minds on autopilot.
How Habits Form
It didn’t start that way though. There was, at least one time, a conscious decision to try that action out. Almost always, it was our brain’s way of finding a solution to a problem, or a way to cope with something. Once our brain recognizes that action as a problem solver, it instantly gets logged into our memory as a future solution, for reference. This is the beginning of a habit loop formation. Next time we are triggered by a stressor, uncomfortable situation or fear, our brain quickly and efficiently scans for a way out and, boom, here comes that action. When the action successfully calms the chaos inside, or at least distracts or numbs us from it, we are reinforcing that this actually works (the reward), and the entire process is reinforced in our brains again. This is known as the habit loop. Eventually we may not even need a trigger at all, as the entire process becomes second nature in our regular routine. It’s just what we do.
Habits are powerful survival tools. They increase our efficiency and solve problems while allowing us to concentrate on other things. Imagine you had to think carefully through the process each time you brushed your teeth or washed your hands, or even got on a bike? Our brains and bodies learn a method to simplify our lives. Aren’t we so brilliantly designed?
But what happens when the adopted habit stops “helping” us, and starts to do some damage? Now the habit urge is so strong, we recognize it’s becoming a problem-but we just can’t stop. Doctors will tell us, when we need to lose weight for our health, to just eat less, move more. Stop smoking. That’s bad for you. All that drinking is bleeding into your personal/work life. It needs to be managed. Change what you are doing.
BUT HOW? When we try to “just stop” doing the thing, and may have success at first, even for a while, until something triggers that habit loop again. We may replace it with another habit but we are never really getting to the root of the reason it’s happening in the first place.
The Real Solution
What if I told you it’s actually more effective NOT to stop? What if the best idea to rid yourself of an unhelpful habit and begin to rewire your brain was to actually STOP resisting the urge, and actually lean into it? There is a catch though. You have to do it while PAYING ATTENTION.
When we view our unhelpful habits, it’s easy to feel shameful, embarrassed, and out of control. We wonder why it’s so hard to break these, when we can successfully do so many other things. We run households, raise children, finish books, work diligently at our jobs, and even have healthy relationships. We are capable and smart. What is it about this that is so difficult to master?
Remember, our brains are doing their job. That initial action DID solve a problem, and now our brains are trying to streamline our lives by making it easy to repeat.
Rewiring
So how do we break the chain? Awareness. Getting honest and curious with yourself, without resistance. And the key to this whole exercise is to view everything you notice as neutral. There is no shame, failure or wrong. Everything is just feedback to help you understand, change and grow.
Imagine this:
You have a habit of grabbing a coffee every day at 3 pm, regardless of how you feel. It started back when you weren’t getting a lot of sleep and started to feel a crash mid afternoon. It stuck because it worked, getting you through the rest of the workday, dinner and all the rest. But now you are noticing you toss and turn at night, have more headaches and you are dragging in the morning. So you add in more coffee to help curb the fatigue. It’s becoming a cycle you recognize, but don’t know how to stop.
TRY THIS OUT:
Instead of trying to cut out the coffee cold turkey, imagine you just took a few moments before your next 3 pm coffee to scan your body and mind. Take a deep breath, slow down, notice areas of tension. Maybe you are clenching your jaw or your shoulders are tight. Maybe you’ve been ignoring your growling stomach for a couple hours to push through a work project. Maybe you have a headache or feel tense and irritated. What is coming up for you right now? Can you identify a trigger? Did a conversation just happen that made you irritable or sad, or a deadline you aren't ready for? Did you feel pressure in some way?
Just notice.
Next, go ahead and have that coffee (or cigarette, or chocolate, or whatever the thing is). Notice how you do it. Is it rushed, do you feel frantic? Is it secretive? What does it taste/smell/feel like? Are you enjoying it, or are you thinking about something else? Do you feel anything at all, or is it just working to numb out the stress?
Afterwards, get curious. How do you feel now? This is a way to see if the habit itself is still serving you, not to bring shame. (Again, all of this is neutral data, helping you learn more about yourself.) Maybe you write down what comes up for you (which I always recommend) in order to see it on paper and read it back. It could be something like, “My kids were fighting and my house was a mess. I knew I only had 2 hours to get everything done before we had to leave for practice, and I felt stressed. I wasn’t hungry, but before I knew it, I was reaching for the chocolate, and half the bar was gone. I don’t really remember the taste, I just zoned out for a minute and felt better. Then I felt worse for eating it all.”
As you can see, this is a very honest process. It may feel scary at first and that is NORMAL. Our brains resist change because of the unknown elements it involves, which can elicit fear inside of us. But over time, and with practice, we can teach our brains to trust us as we edge out little by little into this new territory, in order to solve new problems. And (the BEST part!) when we start to discover the connections, we will be able to create better solutions, which will bring about that reward/satisfaction and eventually replace the unhelpful with the helpful! It’s an amazing process.
Getting aware allows us the safe space we need to start making intentional decisions about the kinds of habits we DO want to cultivate, that align with our identity, values and goals. It's the first step in designing the life you want, and a crucial practice in continuing to evolve towards the person you desire to be.
As you test this out, be patient with yourself, and remember to give yourself a lot of self-compassion. We are humans, doing the best we can. Just know there are ways to get the change you want, and you have more control than you realize.
If you are interested in learning more about this process, or would like to discuss it with me, I would love to hear from you! Send me a message at theroutewellness@gmail.com.
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